The Copy Reads (Click on image to enlarge):
A Morbidly Ironic Death
Theodore James Edwards, 58, died Thursday, February 17th, 2013, at The Heart Attack Grill in Las Vegas.
Waitresses and other restaurant employees told us they’ve never seen anyone walk in with more confidence. “I’m Joe DiMaggio, and the Heart Attack Grill is right in my strike zone, ya’ll,” he said in his heavy southern accent as he found the closest seat to the kitchen. And while it’s not necessary to mention Ole Ted’s weight…it is…because he was over 350 pounds which grants him a free dinner at The Heart Attack Grill. He ordered a Quintuplet Bypass Burger, eight beef patties and forty pieces of bacon, along with two chocolate butterfat shakes.
Cheryl Tobly, Ted’s ex-wife from his days in the 200’s, weighed in too. “If he really wanted to stop paying alimony, I could’ve put a bullet in him myself.”
The coroner reported Ted’s arteries were clearly the only body part he gave a workout in the last 25 years. And the cause of death was unsurprisingly, a heart attack.
With his last breath he asked to be buried in our parking lot. We obliged, of course.
But let’s make one thing clear, Ted died the happiest he’d ever been. And that’s exactly what we’re here for.
A Fat Filled Nirvana
Tonya Marie French, 38, died Tuesday, March 3rd, 2015, at the Heart Attack Grill in Las Vegas.
According to her best friend, Tonya was on the cusp of an early mid-life crisis and had every intention of buying a plane ticket to India the next day to embark on a spiritual journey. As her waitress tells it, she claimed her order of the 1/2 pound Coronary Dog with chili, onions, cheese and bacon was her, “Last hoorah before the ultimate cleanse of western society’s crippling values.”
Eye witnesses reported her to be in some sort of odd trance, as she laid a mat on the floor, performed intense yoga positions, and loudly repeated, “Ohm,” while waiting for her food.
But after her first bite into that 20,000 calorie paradise filled with grease, lard, and everything else unhealthy, the Nirvana she hoped to find was a thing of the past. Coronor reports show even though her stomach ruptured, her soul was cleansed and her “chi” was centered.
What happens at the Heart Attack Grill, really does stay at the Heart Attack Grill…except for Tonya’s corpse — we sent that to India.
But let’s make one thing clear, Tonya died the happiest she’d ever been. And that’s exactly what we’re here for.